Update

Just a quick post, as I feel I've been neglecting this blog too much. Things haven't changed much since I last updated. The Temporary Girlfriend is still here, although she is supposed to leave in less than a week. We'll see if she actually does. In the meantime, I've spent most of my time either working or with her. I'll probably have more to post on both of those subjects, but for now, just rest assured that I'm still alive and well. For how long that will remain, I'm not sure, but things are still "OK" at the moment.

Attack of the Crazy

Last week, I was supposed to go to Vinnitsa to meet a "friend" who I knew back in the US. My "friend" was actually a Polish/Ukrainian girl who I dated several years ago. Our dating relationship was kinda brief, as she quickly started to prove that she was a major headcase. However, even after I ended the brief and not very serious relationship, I did meet up with her a few times after. Not for sex, as we never quite made it that far, but to hang out, and to try to pick up a bit of Russian from her.

Shortly before I left for Ukraine, she went on a major campaign of trying to get me to stay. Of course, this proved to be futile, as I wasn't about to be talked out of it by anyone, least of all her. Shortly after I came out here, she called my parents and tried convincing them that I was in danger out here, and spouting off some other crazy things like saying that someone back in the US was trying to kill me. She did make my parents worried, but only in that they thought I would be crazy to keep talking to her. I emailed her and told her to never call my parents again.

Even after all that, though, I agreed to meet up with her when she came out to Ukraine. Her home town is in western Ukraine, so a long bus trip would have awaited me. Two days before I was supposed to go see her, I informed her that I was dating a girl here, and I was hesitant about going to see her, based on past history. This set off the histrionics. She accused me of hurting her by not going to see her, called me every name in the book, with her voice getting that crazy tinge to it that usually spells imminent danger. I hung up on her and didn't answer any more of her calls. That set off a flood of text messages that continued unabated until she left, presumably sometime today.

Since I'm a complete asshole, I decided to share many of these text messages with my readers. Let these serve as a lesson to you all - never stick it in teh crazy! Just imagine how much worse it would be if I actually had.


"Enjoy local sluts,baby boy! She will go to Istanbul and start a "consumation" career, asking Turks topless to buy her drinks and you'd better go to the local KozhVenDispanser,get checked for syphilis and gonorrhea! Adios gringos"

"Good evening ****achka! Is your girlie entertaing rich Turks already?"

" ****ka - moj amerikanec,ja tozhe amerikanka i imeju gorazdo bolshe prav,i ne tolko na **** ! Ukrainskie devushki nujny emu kak razvlechenie,povysit samoocenku ;) "

 "Hi ****,you know - you are very mean,heartless and cruel. We made plans to meet long before I came to the Ukraine. You hurt me real bad and I dont deserve it!Never expected that of you, how mean and two-faced you are. Why hurt me so bad???"

"Hows your Turkish Delight doing, ****? Thank you very much for how bad,mean and cruel you have been to me during this trip and breaking our plans"

" **** the Traitor double dater. Girlie is practicing her future job in Istanbul on you - Istanbul Constantinopol goddammit that shit to fucking hell" 

The Temporary Girlfriend

I currently have a temporary girlfriend. Her name is "N" (thankfully not yet another "Z"), and she lives one building away from me. I met her the same way I've been meeting all of the other girls here, through a popular online dating site.

"N" doesn't speak much English, and I don't speak much Russian, but that hasn't stopped anything. I met her only a day after talking to her online, deciding to meet in between our two apartment buildings. As per the norm, she initially refused to go to my apartment, but quickly relented once it was clear that we would have trouble communicating with speech only, and even then, only after making me promise not to put my hands all over her. Needless to say, I ended up putting my hands all over her, but only after a full bottle of cognac later. However, she didn't give in to sex all that easily, and made me wait more than a week for it.

She came over again two nights later, and then the next, and the next...and she's been over every night since, about two weeks later. We hit it off pretty quickly, and our personalities match. She has a great sense of humor, loves spending time with me, and has even cooked dinner for me several times.

So...why is she a "temporary" girlfriend? Because there's a catch (just like with every other girl here). She's leaving for Istanbul in a couple of weeks for work, and will be there for a long time. She doesn't know the exact date yet, and is going to work for a boss who wants her to marry him (typical Turkish clown). I joined in the chorus of all of her friends and family in warning her that she risks being sold into sex slavery, but she says she needs the job to pay off some rather large medical bills. I believe her story, despite the fact that Ukrainian women are generally not to be trusted to tell the truth about anything. Despite all of that, though, I'm thoroughly enjoying my time with her.

For Great Force

Saturday was another day spent with the boss, this time at the birthday part for his friend's wife, who has seemingly taken quite a liking to me (no, not like that). Birthday parties in Ukraine are quite fun, involving a metric ton of food and alcohol, both of which are to be consumed in great quantities, with the only interruptions being smoke breaks and the quite frequent toasts by each of the guests.

After only about 4 hours of non-stop eating and boozing, I informed everyone that I had to leave soon, as I was meeting a girl that evening. This quickly became the number one subject of conversation at the table, with everyone commenting and asking questions about her. Of course, this all resulted in yet another toast, made for me. The guy sitting next to me, a Ukrainian Militsiya (Police) Colonel, cautioned me on being careful with meeting random Ukrainian women, disregarding the fact that I had already met this girl and spent a quite harmless night with her. However, his toast to me was the phrase (translated from Russian), "For great force". My boss translated the phrase for me, and explained that sexual prowess and virility is referred to as "force". So...here's for great force!

Ukrainian Housewarming

I just moved into my new apartment a few days ago, and I was giving a proper Ukrainian housewarming. My boss, the owner of the small English school that I teach at now, helped me bring my stuff over, and also made a point of picking up a few housewarming presents, namely some food (sizeable chunks of ham and cheese, and Georgian bread) and alcohol (Georgian cognac). We spent the evening hanging out on the balcony of my ninth floor flat, eating and drinking while bullshitting about various things and looking out at the river. I have a great view of the river here, as I live only about 400 meters away from it, with no buildings in between. Later, after we finished, he took me on a short nightime tour of some close-by places, ending in a bar while trying some Becherovka. My boss made plans for me for the next day, to show me around more of the district during daylight. Of course, I wasn't about to say no.

So, the next day, after classes, we met up with a friend of his, a retired police officer, and took a long walk around the district. We made a pit-stop in the same bar as the night before, grabbing another shot of Becherovka, and then continued on. The tour ended at his flat, where his wife proceeded to serve me some delicious borscht while informing me that there was a wedding party with some single women who were looking forward to meeting me. I had already double-booked myself for dates that evening, but figured that visiting a party wouldn't hurt, so off we went after finishing the meal, along with another shot of home-made spiced vodka.

The wedding party was at a local pizzeria not far from my boss's flat, and sure enough, there were a couple of cute, single girls there. My boss's wife warned me before that they both like to drink, and were a little drunk, but they appeared quite sober when I met them. We spent a great part of the rest of the day at the pizzeria, where we made repeated toasts along with shouts of "Vorka! Vorka!", which apparently is a tradition that involves the guests exhorting the bride and groom to kiss repeatedly. Many of the participants were indulging themselves in vodka, but I stuck to weak Ukrainian beer, as I'd already had a few shots of hard alcohol earlier, and I'm a fucking lightweight.

Unfortunately, the beer didn't really help. Minutes passed into hours, and day passed into evening. I didn't really forget about the two dates I booked, but I was having too good of a time to really care. I made it home pretty late, with the help of my boss's friend and his wife, who proceeded to invite me to her birthday party next weekend. I went up to my flat and immediately got online and proceeded to apologize to both of the women who I stood up. Surprisingly, neither of them were very angry, at least as far as I could tell. One of them evening made the comment, "So this - typical Slavic housewarming!" I guess she was right. I hope I don't have to move again anytime soon.

An Ode to the Marshrutka

The marshrutka, for those of you who don't know and are too lazy to click on the link, is a short bus (somewhat similar in size to the "short school bus") that serves as the main means of intra-city public transportation here in Ukraine. They account for roughly a third of all vehicles that are seen on the roads here in my city. Up until a couple of months ago, I rarely set foot on one, and even then only with someone local who knew exactly where it would go. However, once I started dating my previous girlfriend, I used them quite often to go to her house, as taking a taxi every time was getting to be cost prohibitive. After moving out of my own flat located in the city center, though, they quickly became my means of going anywhere that was too far away to be a short walk, including to work.

Anyone who lives in the United States will be in for a bit of a shock the first time they board a marshrutka, and I was no exception. The small size of the marshrutka actually belies the amount of space on the inside. It's almost like stepping into the Tardis, except not quite as profound of a difference, and without all of flair, such as time traveling capabilities. However, once inside, you'll quickly find out that no matter how much space it seems to have, it's never quite enough, especially during the busy times of the day, or late at night, when only a few marshrutki are out and about.

The seats are laid out quite the same in all marshrutki (plural form of marshrutka), regardless of the type of vehicle. Most marshrutki have around 15 or 16 seats inside. Two seats in the left row, and one seat in the right, with the aisle in between. The windows are large and copious, and the seats can vary, ranging from comfortable and roomy, to cramped and torturous. Many marshrutki have a small baggage rack about the left row, and all have some kind of hand-bar that runs almost the full length of the passenger bay for the inevitable overflow passengers. Some marshrutki will even have passenger-side seats available in the driver compartment. The entry door for all passengers is on the left side of the vehicle.

Not all marshrutki here in my city have the same fare, but the average fare is about 2 gryvna (25 cents US). The fare will vary, often depending on the total length of the bus route, but most often you will pay about 2 gryvna. The fare is usually payed to the driver, who is most often quite adept at dishing out change while driving, although some marshrutki will include a second person whose job is to manage the fare. The marshrutki that run late at night will often have a security guard on board. Many people will pay the fare not immediately on entrance, but once they take their seat. They will then pass their fare on to the person in front of them, and it will be passed on in this manner until it reaches the driver, who will in turn dish out the change in the reverse order. Most people seem pretty honest about this process. I've never seen anyone try to skimp on the fare or keep someone else's change, although I wouldn't be surprised if it does happen.

As mentioned before, all of the space inside of a marshrutka is often not enough. When all of the seats are filled, passengers will still board at stops, and will stand in the aisle while holding onto the hand-bar up above. Sometimes it can get crowded enough to where people are packed in like sardines. The aisle, of course, is not very wide, and someone having to go from the back of the marshrutka to the front will have to push and squeeze their way through. Although some marshrutki do have doors in the back, most do not. Standing in the aisle, squeezed up between an old crabby babushka and a drunk gopnik while holding onto anything solid for dear life as the driver recklessly weaves through rush hour traffic is not a pleasant experience, but fortunately, this doesn't describe the majority of my times on a marshrutka.

I've come to generally enjoy my time on a marshrutka, as the frequent stops that it makes along its route, along with the inevitable logjam of marshrutki trying to jockey for position at the stops, usually means that I'm going to be on it for a while, regardless of how far I'm going. It's usually a good time to catch the sights of passing beautiful women while relaxing. Of course, how much relaxing I'm able to do when a bus with 15 seats is holding more than 30 people won't be that much, but still, it can be a fun experience.

So...here's to the glorious marshrutka, one of the many things that makes my time in Ukraine an interesting experience.

A Long Time Coming...

I just noticed it's been exactly a month since my last blog entry. Um...sorry about that. I've been a bit busy. I have lots to talk about, but little that I want to go into in-depth right now. I'll just give a short summary of the last month, complete with bullet points.

- I broke up with my girlfriend several weeks ago. I thought for sure this relationship would last longer than the first one, but alas, fate had other plans for me. After dealing with her changing her mind about shit constantly, her drinking problem, her (supposedly) past drug problem, and the fact that her favorite past-time became criticizing my every last fucking fault, I got tired of her shit and sent her packing. A couple of weeks after doing so, I tried to make amends and give it another go, but that lasted all of a day before I suddenly remembered why I dumped her in the first place. I'm not thrilled about it still, but every time the sadness comes creeping back, all I have to do is remember shit like her making plans with me to go to the beach, then canceling at the last second to smoke pot with her brother. At least she didn't aske me for money...oh wait, she did. Twice. Good fucking riddance.

- I'm now officially homeless. However, this doesn't mean that I'm living in a cardboard box and sleeping on puke-covered mattresses. I'm staying with a (girl) friend until I find a cheaper apartment. However, this process has been going slow enough to the point where I'm wondering if my friend really wants me to leave.

- I'm broke, but the end of being broke is in sight. With summer winding down, I'm starting to get more students, slowly but surely, and classes seem to be picking up a little at the school. Hopefully by this time next month, things will be in full swing. Hopefully.

- I got a nasty sunburn, thanks to a new girl I met taking the opportunity to go with me to the beach on my birthday. The burn is mostly gone now, and most of what's left are layers of peeling skin, but it's nice to be able to walk without being in constant agony.

That's all for now. I'll write more later.